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People give a lot to get married on these dates. I do not know if by the good weather, by joining the permission by marriage to the holidays or by the conjunction of Jupiter with Mercury, the matchmaking frenzy is such that those allergic to weddings are almost afraid to open the mailbox will not be that some invitation wait for us there crouched. The worst thing is that with marriage links not only do the endless ceremonies, the outfits, the cigars, the ties tied in the head and the chains go dancing I will survive, but something even more abominable: the banquets.

I have eaten well at weddings. In few. So few that you could count on the fingers of a hand that had suffered a couple of amputations. But most of the nuptial feasts I’ve attended have gone from the mediocre to the directly creepy. Someone said – it sounds to me that it was me – that they were the natural habitat of the old food, and it is true: nowhere else can you see so many dishes that can be included in this category, such as shrimp cocktails, prawns ‘ tails to the gabardine, the dates with bacon or the mythical round of veal with brown sauce, known by many as “wedding meat” .

I have seen things that you would not believe, and they were not exactly burning ships beyond Orion. Cars on which were piled beef sirloins roasted whole, capable of returning vegan to a polar bear. Tempered salads reduced by the passage of time to a jumble of limp leaves. Establishments that, with all their c ***, served as an incoming spaghetti that would not strain even in a children’s menu. First creams converted by art of birlibirloque in the sauce of the second. Hake to the roman that arrived at the dish conserving intact its heart of frozen Findus. And all paid by the parties at the price of unicorn chop, which is the most serious: the average cost of the covered in this type of events ranges from 75 to 100 euros.

With these numbers, why is it so difficult to eat well at a wedding? We always tend to look for the culprits in the kitchens of the restaurants or venues where the banquets are held, and in many cases we will surely find there more than one criminal of a stale dish of hors d’oeuvres and annealed entrecote. As anyone who has cooked for a large group at home knows, serving lots of people at once and that everything arrives at the table is not an easy task. It’s more of a big brown.

Rocío Vázquez, who organizes weddings through her company Luz Verde , believes that in many occasions the problem is in the couples who get married. “For me, it is more complicated to make people understand why than to find a space where they cook well.” Many couples invite 200 people to eat and insist on putting dishes that do not work well for so many people, such as sirloin steak. They do not let themselves be advised. ” Given the amount of dried sirloin with roquefort sauce, green pepper sauce or, horror of the horror, foie plastorra that I have suffered in these situations, I can not help but agree with him.

According to Vázquez, another distorting element of the quality of the menus are the parents of the future spouses, who tend to demand mastodonic quantities of food so that nobody escapes without a full andorga. “In Galicia, for example, many older people think that if you do not put eight plates of seafood, goose barnacles by the ears and eat until burst, the wedding has been shit,” says the coruñesa. Fortunately, the habit of baiting the guests as if they had just arrived from an African famine is in decline: “The trend is to reinforce the appetizers and lighten the banquets, the weddings of eight or ten dishes that you spend five hours sitting down less”.

Modernity has brought with it the decline of binge eating, but also another most fearsome trend: attempts to serve “creative” or “author” food. Something that can go well if the place has trained chefs, but that ends up making people laugh when the refinement pretenses lead to cheesy and rococo dishes. Arantxa Ruano, member of the communication department of the gastronomic producer Gsr and blogger Curry Curry Que Te Pillo , sent me a few days ago this wonderful photo of a dish that was served at a wedding dj melbourne.

Trampantojo of the vintage? Arcimboldo picture? Subtle song to the female genital tract? Ruano tells the origin of this work of art: “The wedding was held in a simple place, with simple people and simple food where, apparently, the chef wanted to show off with the first dish: melon pearls with Iberian ham and ice cream , the minutes said, and indeed that was, but everything-all strategically placed on the plate to make it the best still life in his life, I guess it was inspired by the traditional melon with ham, and everything separately was good (the ice cream was gazpacho) “.

The author of the photo that opens this entrance, José María Montenegro , also detected avant-garde flashes in a wedding he attended in a town in Malaga. “It was in a road site that serves classic dishes and in quantity, there were croquettes, cheese cubes, dates with bacon and, I suppose, in homage to when the grandparents of the couple were married, filled pineapple, but also unheard of concessions to the modernity like chicken curry, little fillets of sirloin with crispy kikos or mojito sorbet “.

The viejuna / modernuna fusion meal worked, because Montenegro claims to have eaten “really well”. However, at other times the techno-emotional vagaries do not come to be understood at weddings. At a wedding in a renowned restaurant, Arantxa Ruano was served, among the appetizers, a glass with transparent tomato broth that had a toast with Iberian ham on it. “Suddenly I began to see how all the cups sat on the table with those ‘waters’ that few guests dared to taste, everyone thought that this was to perfume or something like that … In short, innovation sometimes does not come through eyes “.

The classic that remains unchanged in the face of fashions is possibly the most tacky dessert of all time: the wedding cake. Usually inedible, and recently reinforced in its bad taste with the appearance of the fondant, that moldable layer of sugary dough capable of loading any dessert. Unfortunately, the fact that the bride and groom cut her with a sword every time is seen less at least in the more refined circles, but other peculiar customs advance in this respect.

One is to show a giant cake with the couple, which remains intact while the guests receive portions of cake out of God knows where (“Why not really serve us? Who eats the other cake?” , Ruano asks himself without reason). The other, undoubtedly my favorite, is the cake that comes down from the ceiling with flares: it tells the follower of El Comidista on Facebook Cristina de Lama, and since I’ve read it I can not stop sighing because they invite me to a bodorrio where something like that happen

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